The Story in Your Head
One of the best tools I've ever learned from a coach isn't complicated. There's no complex theory, no multi-step framework. It’s just a phrase (four words, to be precise):
"story in my head…"
These words are simple, as is the lesson, but they’ve been incredibly valuable for me, and I hope they are for you, too.
At the Poker Table
Let's bring this down to the poker table (where most of my life lessons seem to start).
Imagine you're at your average cash game table, battling it out, staying disciplined, feeling good. You open from the cutoff with QTo, and immediately, this younger player (headphones on, shades reflecting the felt) three‑bets you from the button. You fold your hand, slightly annoyed, as any flop-loving poker player would be.
Twenty minutes later, the exact scenario unfolds: you open, he three‑bets, and another reluctant fold from you.
Then an hour passes, and now you pick up KQo in the small blind. You three‑bet against a late position open, only to watch this same player swiftly cut out a 4-bet, to which you fold again.
Now you’re more than annoyed – you feel under attack.
"He’s picking on me."
"He knows I’m weak."
"Maybe I’m giving off a tell."
"I need to fight back."
And this is where you can get yourself in a lot of trouble.
Based on a sample size of three hands, you’ve formed some unwarranted strong reads. Or, even if you “know” your information isn’t solid enough, you still have that fear in the back of your mind that something really is going on here.
Changing the Narrative
So, what if you paused and reframed this rapid-fire narrative into something more accurate – something less immediately emotional:
"There's a story in my head that this player is picking on me."
Now, if you were vividly imagining this scenario along with me, you’d have felt what I just did – the pressure valve release… the weight of the urgency and fear lifted.
Suddenly, you're no longer handcuffed to a single perspective. You're not declaring war or retreat. You're simply noticing a thought and holding it lightly.
And from this new vantage point, you can ask yourself questions you'd previously skipped over:
Is it possible this player is picking on me?
Sure. Let's call it a 20% chance. Maybe he actually sees you as easy prey.
But then, there’s also that very real 80% chance that he's just playing his own strategy, attacking everyone's opens from late position, or maybe he's just running hot and genuinely picking up standard 3-bet and 4-bet hands in these few spots.
With reality framed this way (the way it actually is 🙂) you can avoid overreacting and overadjusting.
Because beneath that first story is a second, even sneakier story:
"I need to do something about it."
This story is almost never true. Poker isn't about defending your honor; it's about maximizing profit. You don't need to react out of pride. You don't need to teach anyone a lesson. You don’t even need to prevent a player from picking on you.
Your job is to make money – to make the best possible decisions with the information you have (the useful information).
Let’s say this player really is going after you – you could tighten up your range, trap effectively, and let this aggressive player hand you their stack when you finally have the goods. Or maybe you simply fold more often to them and seek out easier, more profitable battles elsewhere at the table.
The beauty is in the choice: you get to choose your adjustment deliberately, based on clear‑headed logic (not because you're impulsively reacting to a narrative your mind spun in the heat of the moment). Remember: You don’t need to do anything. You get to play the game the way you want.
Beyond the Poker Table
The power of this idea extends far beyond poker. So, let's carry it into your everyday life.
Maybe you texted a friend yesterday to ask for a favor, and they haven’t responded yet. Instantly, your mind spins up a tale: "They’re upset with me. I shouldn’t have asked that."
Or your boss sends you a curt email, devoid of their usual friendly tone, and your brain swiftly drafts a new plot: "I'm in trouble. My job is on the line."
Or perhaps your partner seems quiet and withdrawn tonight, and your brain quickly fills in the blanks: "They're mad about that thing I said earlier."
Using the Phrase Effectively
What happens if you slow down, breathe, and add those four magical words?
"There's a story in my head that my friend is annoyed with me."
Suddenly, you've pulled back the curtain. You've stepped away from instant judgment and anxiety, giving yourself a moment to assess the truth more clearly.
Better yet, if it's really bothering you, you can reach out directly and say something vulnerable yet incredibly powerful:
"Hey Mike, there's a story in my head that you're annoyed with me after our chat yesterday. Is there any truth to that?"
That simple phrase works wonders because it does three key things:
It demonstrates vulnerability and emotional intelligence. You’re acknowledging that you have this fear, and that it might be wrong.
It invites the other person into clear and honest dialogue without accusation.
It helps both of you get clarity quickly.
Our brains are incredibly talented storytellers, spinning narratives constantly.
Your task isn't to silence the storyteller – it's to be aware of the stories and choose carefully how you act on them.
The Truth About Stories
The stories in your head aren't always wrong, but they're definitely not always right.
The second you internalize that, you start living a more intentional, less reactive life. You stop letting stories dictate your decisions, and you start operating from clarity, calm, and control.
These stories come up every day, but there are also some bigger stories – stories that persist.
Stories like:
“I’m lazy.”
“I’m terrible with money.”
“I’m not a morning person.”
Even stories like these can be wrong, especially as time passes:
“I don’t like cooking.”
“I handle criticism well.”
“I’m more of a realist than an optimist.”
And then there are my least favorite stories of all time:
“I’m so unlucky.”
“Of course he hit that river. This always happens.”
“Must be nice. Good things like that don’t happen to me.”
What stories have you accepted as fact? When was the last time you questioned or tested some of them?
If you can spot the story, you give yourself a real edge, both in poker and in life. You get to choose your next move, instead of letting the story choose it for you.
It’s been really impactful for me.
…or at least, that’s the story in my head.
PS – My year-long coaching program, Beyond the Game, is onboarding new members until the end of July. After that, we are closing registrations for the remainder of 2025. You can read more and apply here.
