Logic vs. Emotion: Off the Table
Last week, I wrote about how emotions impact your game at the poker table — and how to use that to your advantage. This week, I’m going to talk about two ways that I’ve carried those lessons over to my life off the poker table.
Let’s start with the simpler one:
The Harder Path
Just like in the hand where I was on the fence about firing a river bluff, there are many times in life where a decision will feel close.
Do I have this tough conversation with my brother or leave it alone? Do I end this relationship or wait it out and see? Do I go for a run today or get to work early so I can get more done?
Much like the poker example, when it feels close, the right answer is often clear: It’s the path of greater pain and discomfort now.
The tough conversation with your brother will be uncomfortable right now. Ending a relationship will be painful immediately. Going for a run (if you’re me) is much more unpleasant than getting to work.
So the fact that it feels close means you know what to do.
This "Hard Choice Razor" is one that, if you lean into it, can do you a lot of good. And it’s not just that you’ll make the right decision more often. There’s another benefit to always choosing the hard path:
It leads to growth.
You will learn more. You’ll become more fearless. You’ll gain confidence in yourself, knowing you can handle tough things.
Every time you choose the hard path, you’re adding to your toolbelt in ways that may not be obvious right away.
What Is Real
The next lesson is a connection I didn’t make between my on and off-the-table worlds until recently, when a mentor of mine shared these wise words with me:
“Emotions are not truth. Emotions are signals.”
Just as being afraid to bluff doesn’t mean bluffing is a mistake, being angry at a friend’s actions doesn’t mean those actions were wrong.
Being angry is a signal.
It’s a signal that’s impacted by your past, your unique set of beliefs and values, fears and desires.
And not only that – it’s a signal that isn’t even consistent! You might be five times as likely to be angry after a night of no sleep or a difficult life event. That can’t possibly mean that everyone around you is five times as wrong!
I like anger as an example for a couple of reasons. First, people very often use the signal of anger to assume they are right and someone else is wrong or bad. Many other emotions don’t cause us to unfairly judge someone else in the same way.
Second, anger is considered by many to be a secondary emotion.
This means it shows up only when you’re experiencing another emotion underneath it. Anger serves as a protective reaction to make you feel less vulnerable, hiding beneath it one of:
Fear
Shame
Hurt
Guilt
Frustration
Sadness
Helplessness
Let’s make up an example to illustrate what I mean…
Table Talk
A group of friends is having dinner together. They go around the table, each sharing a good memory from the last month.
Bob shares that he got a raise at work.
Joe talks about a nice date night with his wife.
Dave describes a 3-hour mountain hike.
Steve shares that he surprised his mom with a new car for her birthday, that she was over the moon, and it made him feel really good. He shares how thankful he is for all his mom did for him and that he feels so lucky he could pay it back in this way.
After dinner, Bob texts Joe, “Can you believe Steve? Bragging about how good a deed he did, and not-so-subtly making sure we know he’s richer than us. Hate him.”
Joe says, “I know. So annoying and weird. Just talk about something normal.”
Bob texts Dave the same thing. Dave replies, “I thought it was sweet. It clearly meant a lot to him. Was he not supposed to share his best memory from the month?”
Bob is annoyed that Dave doesn’t get it.
Different Perspectives
Steve’s story made Bob angry. He felt guilt and shame during it because he had been struggling financially and keeping up appearances that everything was okay in front of his friends.
It made Joe angry because he felt guilty that he’d been ignoring his mom, not helping her when she needed it.
Dave didn’t have any of this baggage. Steve’s story didn’t make him feel anything but some warmth from his friend’s happy experience.
Steve’s share made Bob and Joe feel angry (on top of their guilt and shame). Instead of recognizing their anger as a signal, they treated it as proof that Steve had done something wrong.
If hearing his story made them angry, it must have been bad. He’s wrong, and they are righteously mad.
In an instant, their minds created a story of their own – Steve was arrogant, inconsiderate, or something else.
A Signal About What Exactly?
You could argue that every time someone “makes you” feel angry, sad, annoyed, embarrassed, or anything else, the signal that you’re receiving isn’t about them. It’s about you.
This doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to take a stance on someone else’s actions. It doesn’t mean that the other person should be able to do and say anything they’d like, and if you don’t like it, that's too bad.
But it does mean that our immediate beliefs when we feel a strong emotion can’t be trusted implicitly – that we can, instead, get curious about what aspect of the thing in question set us off.
If, like me, you’re always keen to develop more self-awareness (one of the keys to poker success, in my humble opinion), this is exciting news! It’s a potent new source of truly meaningful information.
Your reactions, especially if they are overreactions, are signals that something within you is being bumped up against. It could be a core value, like fairness, respect, or integrity, or it could be an insecurity, a memory, a fear, or other things along these lines.
Get curious about what it could be. Solve the puzzle!
