Hey there. This is my second audio newsletter. A lot of people gave me positive feedback on the first – thank you very much, and that's why I'm doing a second. Now, this doesn't mean that if you want to see more written ones, you need to give me negative feedback on this one.
I also accept the kind of feedback that says, "Hey, this is cool, but I actually prefer when you write something." Essentially: help me help you. You're subscribed here, so I want to take what you think into account – which is actually the theme of what I want to talk to you about today.
Prefer to read? Cleaned-up transcript below.
Last year, I was doing some self-reflection at the prompting of a coach of mine, and what I realized was that in many areas, I was worried about optics over outcome. The phrase I walked away with was outcome over optics, but I'll explain more than that.
I realized that oftentimes when I'm trying to be a good friend, I'm actually thinking more about whatever it is that would make my friend think I'm a good friend. When I'm trying to be a good husband, what I was really doing was thinking about what made me look like a good husband – what would make my wife perceive me to be one. And this carried over into work, where in coaching, whether one-on-one or in BTG, rather than do what I think is best, I would do what I thought would lead to them thinking I did a good job and did what was best for them.
In a lot of cases, these can be the same things. But in many, they're not.
As an example: in the first year of BTG, I crammed so many lessons into the early calls I had with the group because, well, I wanted them to think they were getting a lot of value. I wanted them to think I was delivering a lot of content, teaching them a lot of things they needed to know, and I wanted them to quickly see that they'd made a good investment.
What I realized as time went on was that a lot of those lessons – and I packed some of my most valuable ones at the start – were kind of lost. They were overwhelmed, or they didn't totally get it, because I didn't give it more time. So in the second year, I spaced things out: I would give a lesson, and the following week we would talk about the same lesson again. I'd do a Q&A and do my best to see that it landed. That meant I was teaching things more slowly, and that was scary for me. But that was me prioritizing outcome over optics.
I think the true test of being a good friend or partner to somebody is: would you do something that would help them even if they wouldn't notice?
What actually matters is that I do something helpful for somebody I care about. And what actually matters is that with people I work with, I do what I think is going to lead them to the best outcome – even if they don't credit me with that outcome.
Like I said, I need to remind myself of this often, because at least for me, it's natural to fear judgment, or to want to be judged positively. Whether it's with a friend, a partner, or somebody who's paying me to help them, I don't want them thinking I'm doing a bad job.
What has actually helped me is this: when I start working with someone in a group or one-on-one, I tell them this story, and I say:
"I'm going to make a commitment to you. I'm going to try my best to focus on what I think is best for you, rather than what will make me look impressive as a coach. That means sometimes we might go down an avenue that leads to nothing because I'm following a hunch. It might mean I don't give you an answer you might want – either because I don't actually believe it to be true, or because I want you to come to that answer on your own, since I think that will be better for you. Whatever the reason, I'm going to try to do what I think is best for you. What I ask in return is that you grant me the courtesy of a little patience, to see if our work together is really helping you."
The second takeaway this brings up: in my experience, when I've had that conversation with someone, it's gone over very well. Whether or not it changes the way they view my performance, I do know that they tend to very much appreciate the conversation.
And if you're listening and thinking, "That was a lot for Phil to admit and share openly" – and it's something you appreciate – then I'd like that to be, as I said, the second lesson. In my experience, people tend to appreciate transparency, even when you're admitting a fault. Especially when it's sharing a fault, sharing a vulnerability, while also telling them that you have aligned interests and you'd like to do better.
So: where in your life are you prioritizing optics over outcome? And are there any spots – or people – where you'd like to change that?
I'll leave you with that, and I will see you next time. Until then, take care and good luck.
– Phil